Parshas Vayigash: Learning Emotional Intelligence From Yosef
Shiur presented in 5778
Boruch Matir Assurim!
We must begin today’s shiur by giving a shevach to Hashem over the ישועה that He brought about for R’ Shalom Rubashkin on the last day of Chanukah (Dec 21, 2017). The way to view this story is based on what it says in the Siddur: וּלְךָ עָשיתָ שֵׁם גָּדול וְקָדושׁ בְּעולָמֶךָ – “And You made for Yourself a great and sanctified Name in Your world.” When Hashem brings ישועה – whether to the Jewish people as a whole or to an individual Jew – the purpose of it is to bring out the kavod of Hashem. The specific kavod to Hashem in this case is that Hakodosh Boruch Hu “hit the switch” of מתיר אסורים when He brought about R’ Shalom’s release from prison. Do you know that millions of dollars were poured into trying to get him off the hook and to fight his case, and millions more were then expended on appeals? They attempted to bring together support from many DAs, former DAs, assistant DAs, and prosecutors, and they attempted to demonstrate how Judge Linda Reade (may she be remembered לרע) was the messenger to bring about this injustice. In reality, we don’t even begin to realize how much push and pull was expended on these efforts. But we saw how Hashem showed us that none of these efforts were going to help. Everyone knows that when the federal government is after you, they always get their victims, and if they decide you are guilty, there’s very little you can do to change their mind. We also understand that everything comes from Hashem – so it was Hashem who put that judge in and it was Hashem who then orchestrated the amazing ישועה that took place.
Often, what happens to people who are “put away,” is that they start blaming others, and they get angry and upset. However, R’ Shalom accepted his fate graciously and he spoke about emunah and bitachon in Hashem throughout his ordeal. He was mechazek himself in these inyanim and when he walked out of prison, he held his Chovos HaLevavos and his Tefillin. We have to know that he was zoiche to bring out a great kavod of Hashem through this ישועה – and for this we have to praise and glorify Hashem. And we also have to know that if we were in such a predicament ourselves – whether the same one or a different one – we could also be zoiche to bring out a tremendous kavod Shamayim. What we have to learn from this episode, is that it’s possible to see a ישועה which is שלא כדרך הטבע. And when someone says that it’s not possible, we should ask him, “Well, didn’t Klal Yisroel experience Chanukah at one point? Don’t you know there is no such a thing as טבע?”
The Most Momentous Meeting
Similarly, in this week’s parsha, a very powerful meeting that took place between Yosef and his brothers has taught us how to face and overcome the more frightening interpersonal challenges. We see that when Yosef reveals his identity to the brothers, they go into shock, as the Torah records for us, כִּי נִבְהֲלוּ מִפָּנָיו (Bereishis 45:3). One can say that, perhaps they were shocked because they didn’t expect to see Yosef again, but Chazal[i] tell us that it was their embarrassment that made them go into shock. When Yosef sees them backing away, he responds that the they should come closer:
וַיֹּאמֶר יוֹסֵף אֶל־אֶחָיו גְּשׁוּ־נָא אֵלַי וַיִּגָּשׁוּ וַיֹּאמֶר אֲנִי יוֹסֵף אֲחִיכֶם אֲשֶׁר־מְכַרְתֶּם אֹתִי מִצְרָיְמָה
Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come forward to me.” And when they came forward, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, he whom you sold into Egypt
Rashi comments:
גשו נא אלי. רָאָה אוֹתָם נְסוֹגִים לְאָחוֹר, אָמַר עַכְשָׁו אַחַי נִכְלָמִים, קָרָא לָהֶם בְּלָשׁוֹן רַכָּה וְתַחֲנוּנִים, וְהֶרְאָה לָהֶם שֶׁהוּא מָהוּל
He saw that they recoiled and he said to himself “Now my brothers feel ashamed”. He therefore called to them in a soft and supplicating language and showed them that he was circumcised. Yosef told them that he was their long lost brother, even though they sold him (כִּי־מְכַרְתֶּם אֹתִי) many years ago! You hear that? “I still remember that we are brothers,” he told them.
When People Push Our Buttons
We have to know that on a daily basis, we interact with many people, and with everybody who we meet, we bring along our egos and our bad middos. All day long people are challenging us and we feel נפגע (slighted). How do you react when someone makes you feel slighted, even if he doesn’t mean it? If you have bad middos, you may get upset. If you have terrible middos, you get upset inside and you might think, “Let me see how I can get even with this fellow.” If you have even worse middos than that, you may tell the fellow, “Let me tell you something, my friend, I don’t have a short memory – you started up with the wrong person!” Sometimes you even let out a curse on them. Whatever you do in these situations, you have to know that this is not what Hakodosh Boruch Hu wants from us.
Extreme Appeasement
The story of Yosef is an extreme story. Since he was now in a position of power, we would have expected him to “pay back” the brothers, at least a little bit, for the injustice they caused him. Yet the Torah tells us that he went out of his way to make them feel relaxed, diminish their embarrassment and treat them in the most amazing and respectful way. Why did he do that? What’s the peshat here? Additionally, Chazal tells us that when Yosef kicked everybody out of the room, he was putting himself in a very dangerous predicament, because any of his brothers could have killed him on the spot! Yet we see that he went out of his way to do this extreme act of appeasement to his brothers. So we have to take this to heart and we have to think about that. Would we ever act in this manner if we were slighted by someone? Let’s say somebody touched your hand or your hair by accident, or gave you a little poke, or if someone didn’t call you by your official title that you expected him to to call you by – what would you have done? A person has to know that this is a very important lesson.
R’ Yisroel Salanter On a Train To Vilna
Now, I want to share a famous story that everybody has to have in their pocket to carry around with them and pull it out when necessary. This is a story about R’ Yisroel Salanter. He was traveling on a train from Kovno to Vilna. As was his custom when travelling alone – even though he was an Adom Gadol – he dressed simply and didn’t present himself as a Rav. He also used to smoke on the train. Now, please don’t emulate R’ Yisroel with this, as it was not known at the time that smoking was unhealthy. So R’ Yisroel didn’t find a חסרון in smoking. He found a seat in a smoking car and was about to light a cigarette. At that moment, a yungerman came into his car and sat down not far from R’ Yisroel. When R’ Yisroel lit a cigarette and started smoking, this youngerman said, “I can’t stand the smell of smoke,” and he started getting all huffy about the smoke. R’ Yisroel turned to him and said, “Excuse me, I didn’t realize that you cannot tolerate smoke, so I am going to put it out,” which R’ Yisroel did right away. Now, if this were to be us , we would have said to this guy, “My friend, you are in the wrong train car – this is a smoking car, why don’t you go to a different car!” This is what we would have said if we were nice.
Now, the other people thought this young man was out of line – you can’t tell a person smoking in a smoking car not to smoke! Another few minutes went by and this guy kept on getting upset, and he said “I can’t sit next to this Jew, because his window is open and I can get a cold!” R’ Yisroel turned to him and said, “Excuse me, I did not open the window, but I could close it if it bothers you.“ He stood up and closed the window. The people in the car now clearly saw how this old man had a lot of patience and how the young man was really out of line. Soon after that, the train pulled up to the Vilna train station, where thousands of people were standing outside ready to greet R’ Yisroel. When R’ Yisroel came out from the train car, the crowd enthusiastically greeted him and showered him with blessings. When this young man stepped out on the platform he asked, “What is going on here? What are all these people doing here?” Someone explained, “R’ Yisroel Salanter just came off that train!” and then he pointed to R’ Yisroel in the crowd. When the young man realized what had happened he quickly tried to find out where R’ Yisroel was staying. He was told that the Rav was staying with his father-in-law.
I Had No Idea It Was You!
The young man got off the train, found a hotel room in the city and decided that he would visit R’ Yisroel the next day. The following morning, he came to R’ Yisroel’s shver’s house and was led into the guest room. R’ Yisroel warmly received him and asked him to sit down. He inquired about the young man’s welfare and asked whether he had a chance to rest up after his trip. The young fellow couldn’t control himself and burst out crying. He said, “Rebbi, please forgive me, I had no idea that you were R’ Yisroel Salanter.” R’ Yisroel told him, “I have nothing in my heart against you, chas v’shalom.” He said that he understood that the Yeitzer Hora can get a hold of a person and can get him worked up – that’s what Chazal tells us. R’ Yisroel spoke to him about mussar, about middos tovos, and how a person should behave. He was mechazek him. The young man heard the message and he made up his mind to change himself.
The Gadlus of Rav Yisroel
A few days later, the fellow came back to R’ Yisroel to say goodbye. R’ Yisroel asked him why he came to Vilna in the first place, and the guy said that he was there to receive a kabola for shechita. R’ Yisroel said that if he needed a kabola, he could help him. He told the young man to come to his shver, who was a known posek in the city and that he would give him a kabola. R’ Yisroel took the man into the room of his shver, R’ Eliyahu Eliezer, who started asking him sheilos on יורה דעה. As it turned out, this guy didn’t know anything about shechita and he couldn’t answer one sheila in halacha! R’ Yisroel was sitting on the side listening to the test and he quickly realized what was happening. He started calming down this fellow. He told him to get more rest and come back in a few days. The guy left the house embarrassed but never returned. After a few days, R’ Yisroel went to look for him. When he found him, he asked the guy why he didn’t come back. The young man replied that he realized that didn’t know anything and there was no use for him to come back. R’ Yisroel told him not to worry. He told him that he had to stay in Vilna for a few more weeks, and he advised the young man to find a place to review the halachos of shechita for those few weeks from a famous shochet in Vilna, whom R’ Yisroel recommended. The fellow took the advice seriously – he learned well for the next few weeks and then received his kabola. When he was leaving Vilna, he came to R’ Yisroel to say goodbye and asked him the following question, “I wanted to ask you something: why were you טורח for me so much after the chutzpah I exhibited towards you on that train?” R’ Yisroel said to him, “I will tell you the truth: when you came to me to ask for forgiveness the first time, I said that I would fully forgive you. But I was afraid that maybe in my heart I still had a little bit of a taina on you. Chazal say in Kiddushin (59b) that מעשה מוציא מידי מחשבה – “action can take away a thought,” so I decided to be משתדל to do a tova for you in order to remove that feeling from myself. This is called טובה במקום הקפידה.
How To Unload Your Packages (Or Not To Unload)
When you have a קפידה against someone, your first job is to get rid of it and not to carry it around and share it with all of your friends. The tendency of people when someone wrongs them is to get upset and to seek sympathy (“misery loves company” as they say). They go to their friends and they say to them, “Did you hear what that guy did to me? This guy is crazy, a meshugenah, he is mamish crazy.” They like to get as many people involved in their misery and – once they are convinced that they are right – they walk around with this shtolz. A mensch needs to know that his first thought has to be, “How do I unload this package?”
I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve seen people who were exceedingly upset at someone else. I told many of them to come talk to me because I wanted to unburden and relieve them from their burden. Many of them said to me, “Don’t do me any favors, please.” I told them, “Carrying hatred against somebody is not a pleasant feeling and it’s not going to help you sleep well at night.” “No, I want to be upset,” they told me. I can’t tell you how many tons of cases of שׁלום בּית issues I was involved with. I told many husbands, “Why would you want to unload your baggage on your wife?!” Or I would also tell many wives, “Why would you want to unload your baggage against your husband?!” I was recently talking to a couple, where a wife seemed to have caught her spouse doing something that could have potentially put him in jail – it was a very serious offense. The fellow tried to make light of it and he said to me, “No, you don’t understand, Rabbi.” The problem was that whoever was involved in it didn’t see it that way. I spoke to his wife and I was amazed by her attitude. She told me the following, “I feel bad for my husband, but I’m not out to get him.” I told her, “I’m amazed and I’m impressed with you for saying that – this tells me that you are a very special person. You had so much going for each other you had it so well – why would a person do such a thing?” She said, “I don’t know, but perhaps the Yeitzer Hora makes people do very stupid things.” I was amazingly impressed how she went through the ordeal, even though she was getting a lot of advice from a lot of people – “yiddishe goyim” and goyishe goyim – who told her to “throw a book” at him or to even destroy him. I was very impressed that she didn’t do any of that. The way she responded to that situation was truly unusual. And this lady was very far from being a wimp – she had a very tough and strong personality.
Don’t Kick A Man When He’s Down
I’ve also seen people go really nuts when they were very upset at others. When they perceive that somebody did something wrong to them, they will wish death upon them and their children! There was once a frum fellow who ripped off a Holocaust survivor couple of $20,000. This elderly couple wasn’t lacking any money. They had children who were very wealthy – to them $20,000 was like a speck of dust. The guy who ripped them off was brought to court. Because he not only took money from this couple but from others as well, he eventually ended up in prison for a few years. I was present at his court sentencing. As you may know, judges allow plaintiffs and the defendants to address the court before the sentencing takes place. So knowing what might transpire, I came over to this couple during the break and told them, “Please, don’t badmouth him.” The old man’s face turned into the face of a bulldog when he heard that. I told him, “This guy is a father, he has children. He will get punished, so don’t do anything silly – you only lost money here.” This must have really set the old man off. When he went inside the court and addressed the judge, he opened up his big mouth and said the following, “Your honor, you should take this man and hang him in the public square! You should take his wife and put her into an asylum. You should take each one of their kids and kill them. What he did to me was worse than the Holocaust, and I was in a concentration camp!” The old man really went off the rails; he sounded like a total meshugane. I was thinking, “This guy is not a Yid, he’s a goy! He is such a shmootzige ba’al middos that he has no compunctions about being moser a Yid in public!” No one is חייב מיתה for stealing money, but to say such things about a man’s wife and his children?! And then a very interesting thing happened. This man’s wife was in the courtroom and she came up to the stand to give her husband support after he spoke. Well, very shortly afterwards they both died. I did not forget what happened in that courtroom, and Hashem didn’t forget either. It was very strange how they both died soon after. This frum fellow was put away for five years, but he served his time and he got out.
Keep A Check On Your Ego!
There is a concept of knowing how to deal with somebody – don’t let your ego be so frail. If someone doesn’t treat you like you expect, it may very well be from Hashem! Think of Yosef for a moment when you feel slighted or embarrassed. You know how many brothers don’t talk to each other? You know how many sisters don’t talk to each other? You know how many cousins don’t talk to each other? They are angry and furious for whatever reason at one another: sometimes it’s over an inheritance, sometimes it’s because you did not honor them at a simcha, sometimes it is because you didn’t lend them enough money, and so on. One silly reason after the next. But a person has to understand that you must overcome your bad middos and you have to be a mensch.
If You Do This – You Can Ask Hashem For Anything!
When Hashem gives you this challenge, I want you to know that it’s a tremendous opportunity – because if you withstand this challenge, you can come to Hashem and you can ask Him for anything you want![ii] When someone offends you and you can you keep your mouth shut, you can say to Hashem, “Ribono Shel Olam, let me be zoiche for arichas yamim, let me be zoiche to hatzlacha in parnassa, let me be zoiche for hatzlacha with my kinderlach – that they should continue shteiging and be erliche yiddin, Hashem – help me marry off my children easily, etc.” A person has a tremendous opportunity. But if you don’t take this opportunity and you fail the test then you will end up with shame on your face, and in the next World, they will show you a “video” of how you acted and how you reacted. They will call everybody to come and watch that video of you making a fool of yourself. They will show a video of this guy making all kinds of faces, all bent out of shape, running around and screaming, “Oh, I’m not putting up with this! No one gets away with that with me. If I only had a gun now I don’t know what I would do.” People say such crazy stuff, it’s unbelievable. You can’t believe how many people would say such nasty things about their spouses. Hashem should help us be in control of ourselves and be able to hold on to ourselves.
Use Your Imagination To Help You Win This Battle
An eitza for working on this is very simple: the next time you are at a function and you go into a room where it’s only you and Hashem – instead of playing with your silly phone during the dinner – think of how you would react to people giving you challenges. Imagine that someone approaches you and says to you: “Who do you think you are?” Imagine that you are coming out of the bathroom at that dinner and a guy comes up to you and says, “You know what I think of you? You are an absolute jerk!” How quickly would you start boiling at that point? And then the guy says to you, “I want to tell you something else – you are an ugly jerk! And you want to know something else? You think you are ‘hot stuff’ – you are cold garbage, that’s all!” How would you respond to that? How will you react, and how should you react? So practice how you should react. Think of these scenarios and then the next time somebody comes up to you and doesn’t treat you in an ideal fashion, you will be prepared and you will say, “I know what I should do and I know what I want to be zoiche for.” And someday when you watch that video in the Next World and they will bring all your family members and they will watch how you reacted when you were challenged, they will all say, “Look how this person went in the footsteps of his zeide, Yosef HaTzaddik!”
[i] See Rashi on the words נִבְהֲלוּ מִפָּנָיו, where he explains that brothers were shocked out of shame – מִפְּנֵי הַבּוּשָׁה
[ii] Based on Shabbos 88b (quoted below) and הגר״ח קניבסקי
תָּנוּ רַבָּנַן: עֲלוּבִין וְאֵינָן עוֹלְבִין, שׁוֹמְעִין חֶרְפָּתָן וְאֵינָן מְשִׁיבִין, עוֹשִׂין מֵאַהֲבָה וּשְׂמֵחִין בְּיִסּוּרִין – עֲלֵיהֶן הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר: ״וְאֹהֲבָיו כְּצֵאת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ בִּגְבֻרָתוֹ״
